#9 - An Education in Wine Language

I will never be a Sommelier.

That requires an ability to describe wines with words that just don’t make sense to me.  I’ve got the basics down - like it’s red, white, or in between (pink or blush).  And I understand that a wine can be sweet or dry.   Okay, I know a little more than that.  I know my favorite Chardonnay is Kendall Jackson.  And there are a few Cabernet Sauvignons and Malbecs that appeal to my taste buds and make me giddy if I drink two glasses.  After a third glass I fall asleep.   I snore (so I am told), and in the morning I feel like crap.  In that case, wine becomes a nasty four letter word.  

Back to the descriptions.  You lose me when you start to talk about a wine being crisp, buttery and bright, with a bouquet that is fruity with a tinge of butterscotch and vanilla, and a finish that is opulent and toasty.  

To me, these are words that better describe my dessert.  

But the wine flows readily and steadily on board, and they serve a wide variety of varietals.  I am now better educated and have an expanded oenophilic vocabulary.  So here are my (before education / after education) versions of these descriptors.

BOUQUET

Before:  Flowers that my husband brings me.  (Large bouquet if he has forgotten our anniversary)

After: The aroma or nose of a wine.  You may smell fruits, herbs, flowers, grass, tobacco, butterscotch, vanilla, mocha or chocolate.   

(Tobacco, grass, REALLY?  Run.  Run very fast, away from this wine).

CRISP

Before:  How I like my pretzels

After:  The wine has refreshing acidity

FINISH

Before:  What it’s called when you’re done.

After:  The impression wine leaves in the back of your mouth and in your throat as you swallow it (the aftertaste).  Great wines have rich, long, complex finishes.

ALCOHOLIC

Before: Someone who has difficulty controlling the amount of alcohol they consume.

After: A wine that has too much alcohol for its body and weight, making it unbalanced.  

(Okay, the before and after are pretty similar)

FRUITY:

Before:  Title of the song “Tutti Fruity”

After: You smell the fruitiness with your nose, but in your mouth you “smell” it through your retro nasal passage. 

(Did not even know I had a retro nasal passage, leave alone that I could smell with it!  Ya learn something new every day).

MUSTY

Before:  Time to get out the dehumidifier and get rid of the mold and mildew.

After:  The result of wine being made from moldy grapes, stored in improperly cleaned tanks and barrels, or contaminated by a poor cork.  

(Yum, sign me up to try this wine!)

OAKY

Before:  Oaky-Dokie. What you say when you agree with someone.

After:  A smokey or toasty flavor, often resulting from storage in oak barrels either during or after fermentation.

TART

Before:  A woman with a bad reputation

After:  Sharp tasting because of acidity

TIGHT

Before:  What a tart is not

After:  The wine is not ready to drink.  It could benefit from being decanted

TANNIC

Before:  An ancient Hindu practice of sex (Oops, that Tantric not Tannic)

After:  A red wine that is firm and leaves the mouth feeling dry.  

BUTTERY

Before:  How I like my popcorn

After:  Aged in oak and generally rich and flat.  Often has a cream like texture that hits the middle of your tongue almost like oil or butter and has a smooth finish. 

BRIGHT

Before:  Smart

After:  High in acidity

DENSE

Before:  The opposite of bright

After:  Okay when used to describe a bold red wine, but when used to describe other wines, it is not a compliment and implies that the wine is handicapped.  

(Never knew a wine could be handicapped.  Do we have a law that ensures special accommodations are in place for a handicapped wine?)

ELEGANT:

Before:  Refined, classy

After:  When a wine connoisseur says a wine is elegant, he means that the wine is not big, not fruity, not opulent, and not bold.  Elegant wines may taste like crap when they first release but they also tend to age better.  

HINT OF

Before:  Just a little bit of something

After:  Expect things like oak, herbs, fruits, soil, or gym socks in the flavor 

(Really, I didn’t make this up)

LUSH

Before:  Someone who imbibes too much

After:  Wines that are high in residual sugar and taste soft or viscous

(I had to read that twice - viscous, not vicious)

TOASTY

Before:  How to describe how you feel when sitting in front of a nice fire in the fireplace

After:  Sorry to disappoint you but this doesn’t mean it tastes like toast.  It’s more like a slightly burnt caramel on the finish

VIROLOGY

Before: The study of viruses (duh!)

After:  The scientific study of wines and winemaking

BOTTLE SICKNESS

Before:  Feeling ill after drinking too much wine.  A few days of rest is the cure.

After:  A temporary condition that often occurs immediately after bottling or when wines are shaken in travel.  Also called bottle shock.  A few days of rest is the cure.  

LEGS:   

Before:  The part of my body I need in order to walk

After:  The viscous droplets that form and ease down the side of the glass when the wine is swirled.   

(I’d rather drink the wine than waste time watching how long it takes the legs to ease down the side of the glass)

CRUSH

Before:  That wonderful feeling of loving another person

After:  The English term for harvest

(Be careful when you engage an Englishman in a conversation about your first crush)

HOT

Before:  The opposite of cold, or term for a sexy woman

After:  Description of a wine that is high in alcohol

(Note: the hot woman might also be high on alcohol)

PLONK

Before:  What my parents said when they didn’t want me to move around, “Plonk yourself down and stay there”.

After:  British slang for inexpensive low-quality wine

BUNG

Before:  (I don’t want to go there)

After:  The plug used to seal a wine barrel

BUNG HOLE

Before:  (I REALLY don’t want to go there)

After:  The opening in a cask in which wine can be put in or taken out

Now that I know what all these words mean, I think I’ll order a glass of beer. Seems a lot easier.